My People, My Family

People often ask me why I visit Israel so many times. The answer is simple. It’s because when I’m in New York reading about Israel my attitude is formed by what leaders and politicians say and do. I can often become disillusioned with the country’s direction. I become dispirited by the situation and how distant our dreams for peace appear.

When I’m here in Israel my impressions are formed by everyday Israelis. And they are extraordinary. They affirm my faith. They give me hope. Their examples serve as reminders of what this place can yet become. Despite over 500 days of war, their stories offer inspiration.

Yesterday we met with Dr. Efrat Bron Harlev, the CEO of Schneider Children’s Hospital. In ordinary times the hospital does extraordinary work. These days it surpasses the extraordinary. Nineteen hostages were brought to the hospital after their release so that they could receive medical treatment and care. The hospital staff spent days preparing for their visits to make sure the hostages felt at home in their rooms, setting up beds for family members and decorating them with the children’s familiar toys.

And then, Dr. Bron Harlev, a seasoned pediatrician, teared up as she explained to us that they had expected to welcome Ariel and Kfir Bibas. There is a palpable sense of family here. The bonds tying the nation together have grown stronger. They cut across political divisions. Everyone mourned the Bibas children’s murders. The airport’s control tower is still illuminated in orange. Hostage Square was decorated with orange balloons with the word “slicha—sorry” written on them.

Today we heard from Member of Knesset Rachel Azaria. She recognized a profound need. Soldiers don’t only need the best equipment. They also need to know their families will be ok while they are on duty. Over 300,000 reserve soldiers were called up during this war. And many of these reserves were called up several times for many months. Now their spouses are single parents and desperately need assistance. MK Azaria founded the organization, HaOgen—The Anchor.

Now 20,000 volunteers help 20,000 reserve families in over 240 cities and towns. They do ordinary but essential things like cooking meals and providing babysitting.

Here, tears are transformed into action. They become the impulse to do good.

Here, everyone is family.

We are part of Am Yisrael—the Jewish people.

It may not be perfect, but this family is extraordinary. And this family is mine.

The Torah Asks Too Much of Us Today

What follows is my sermon about the return of hostages Oded Lifshitz and Ariel, Kfir and later Shiri Bibas z”l.

The rabbis declare, “The whole Torah depends on justice. That is why the Holy One, blessed be God, gave the civil laws directly after the Ten Commandments.” (Shemot Rabbah 30:15)

This week in Parashat Mishpatim, we read fifty-three laws. Most are civil laws. They deal with mundane things such as making loans. They talk about how to determine ownership of disputed property. They offer the all too often misunderstood and frequently misquoted “eye an for eye,” which is not about seeking revenge but instead figuring out how damages should be leveled if a person is injured by another. This week’s laws legislate the punishment for murder and when killing a thief is deemed legitimate self-defense. They detail people’s responsibilities to their neighbors, describing what to do if someone falls into a pit on one’s property or how to deal with an ox who is in the habit of goring people. And on and on. Fifty-three laws, fifty-three mishpatim, about building a society that is founded on justice and fairness.

Immediately following the giving of the Ten Commandments, the Torah turns to the everyday laws that govern society. It is as if to say, “You think it’s all about keeping Shabbat and worshipping the one and only God. No. The real work is found in the details of building a just society.” And so the Torah explains in exhaustive detail how we are to get along with others and how we are going to care for our neighbors and how we might protect others against harm.

But this week, and especially after yesterday’s news about the Bibas family and today’s reports about the brutal murders of Ariel and Kfir Bibas and the unspeakable cruelty of not sending Shiri’s body back to Israel as promised, there are laws in this week’s portion that are to be candid, make me feel like I am choking.

We read, “You shall not oppress a stranger, for you know the feelings of the stranger, having yourselves been strangers in the land of Egypt.” But how can anyone truly know someone else’s feelings? How can anyone understand what we have experienced or felt what we felt in this past year and a half? Then again how can anyone really know another’s pain. I am choking on our pain. I am suffocated by our heartbreak.

The Torah continues, “When you encounter your enemy’s ox or donkey wandering, you must take it back.” (Exodus 23) And, “When you see the donkey of your enemy lying down because of its burden and you might think that you don’t need to raise, you must nevertheless assist your enemy and help it up.” You just want to scream, “You have to be kidding me! You want me to help my enemy care for its animals? You want me to cooperate with someone who is bent on destroying us and who plots such cruelty?” They have not given up on their attempts to kill us. They even terrorize us when humanity dictates it should be a private, quiet transfer of bodies.

This is all too much to ask. Not this week. And maybe not for many weeks to come—and I fear years to come. After such cruel tortures the only helping hand I wish to offer is that to my own people. But I do not have enough hands to heal all this pain. And I fear that we no longer have the capacity to heal ourselves or for that matter do the Torah’s bidding and realize its dreams of lending helping hands to everyone, even our enemies. How can we possibly help lift their burdens when we cannot even carry our own?

In a collection of poetry called Shiva: Poems of October 7th, I discover the writing of Rabbi Elchanan Nir. He writes,

Now like air to breathe
We need a new Torah.
Gasping for air and with choking throats
We need a new Mishnah and a new Gemara,
A new Kabbalah, and new Elevations of the Soul
And from the midst of all the wreckage, the salt and the desert land, now
A new Hasidism and a new Zionism
A new Rav Kook and a new Brenner,
A new poetry, new Rabbinic Responsa
And new Leah Goldberg and new Yechaveh Daat
New art and new poetry
New literature and new cinema
And new-ancient words
New ancient souls from the treasury of souls.
And a new love out of the terrible weeping.
For we were all washed in the rivers of the music festival and Kibbutz Be’eri
And we have no other mountain with us
Nor another ten commandments
No other Moses and no more strength
From this moment everything is
In our hands.

These hands have barely enough strength after 504 days to help ourselves. They only want justice for ourselves and have no more strength for the loftiness of God’s dreams. Justice, You command, O God. And we respond, first for us and for our tortured and terrorized people. Let us be healed first and foremost.

In the daily Amidah recited at weekday services, the tradition offers this prayer:

Restore our judges as in days of old and our advisors as in former times. And remove sorrow and complaint from among us, and reign over us, You alone, Adonai, in kindness and mercy, and acquit us. Blessed are You, Adonai, our Ruler who loves righteousness and justice.

Every day we pray God, You are the God of justice. Justice is our daily prayer. Justice for our people. Justice for the world. But the prayer makes clear what we feel in this moment. First sorrow must be removed. Only then justice might be achieved.

Finding our way back to the law, to the mishpat, is the path our Torah offers.

These days I am left wondering when it might become our path once again. In these harrowing days I am wondering when it might become the world’s destination. For now justice remains a daily prayer. This week, and this evening, some things are not within reach of our hands and only within reach of our prayers.

Baruch Ata Adonai, melech ohev tzedakah u’mishpat. Blessed are You Adonai, our Ruler who loves righteousness and justice.

May Our Dreams Not Be Buried

Oded Lifshitz, who was murdered by Palestinian terrorists and whose body was returned to Israel today along with Shiri Bibas and her two children Ariel and Kfir, was eulogized by the kibbutz he helped found. Kibbutz Nir Oz writes:

Oded was 85 years old, one of the founding pioneers of the kibbutz and someone who shaped its path over many decades together with his wife Yocheved. Oded came to the kibbutz as a member of Garin Nahal, and was the kibbutz's secretary, farmer and treasurer. He dedicated his life to his family, social work, journalism, promoting minority rights and the struggle to resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

He and his wife were peace activists who regularly drove Palestinians needing medical care from Gaza to Israeli hospitals. Oded, and Yocheved, were dragged across the Gaza border by terrorists on October 7th and held in captivity. Yocheved was released two weeks later. According to experts Oded was murdered by terrorists over a year ago.

Today is a tragic day for the people of Israel. It is a devastating day for the Jewish people. Four coffins were returned. We await the official, although expected word that the other three bodies are indeed Shiri, Ariel and Kfir Bibas.

This week we read the Torah’s command, “You shall not oppress a stranger, for you know the feelings of the stranger, having yourselves been strangers in the land of Egypt.” (Exodus 23) This frequently repeated demand appears two times in this week’s portion alone.

But it is a difficult, if not impossible, command to hear. There are only the sounds of brokenness. There are only tears of pain. Our obligations to others, our compassion for the stranger, appear to be luxuries for another day. They seem like painful reminders of forgotten dreams.

The Israeli singer Hanan Ben Ari laments,

And who will heal my heart
for whom am I longing
like a sea that has no shore
just tell me who
who will embrace me and ensure
that I will not give up in the end.

Our hearts are too broken to feel anything but pain. Our ears are too filled with cries to hear the demands of compassion. Our eyes are too dimmed by tears to see the face of the other.

Kibbutz Nir Oz’s announcement concludes:

The cactus garden that Oded and Yocheved cultivated throughout their 63 years of marriage remains a living testament to their dedication and the home they built together. Oded left behind four children: Arnon, Yizhar, Sharon and Omri, many family and friends, who will always remember him as someone who loved people and the country, a man of culture and peace.

May the memory of Oded Lifshitz be a blessing. May his dreams not be buried as well.

And may the Torah’s commands be heard once again.

Liberating the Spirit

According to news reports Agam Berger, one of the three hostages released on January 30th after 480 days in captivity, managed to keep Shabbat. If she was ordered by her Hamas captors to cook food on Saturday she steadfastly refused. (Meir Soloveichik, “Agam Berger, the Hostage Who Kept the Sabbath”)

The Torah proclaims: “Remember the sabbath day and keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath of the Lord your God: you shall not do any work.” (Exodus 20)

Although the rabbis devote many pages of commentary to clarify the definition of work (see the Talmud), the contention is clear. Saying no, refusing to do the work that mark the other six days is liberating. On Shabbat we rest from creation, we say no to creative acts. Our modern understanding of freedom runs counter to this idea. We believe that we are free only when we can do whatever our heart desires.

Judaism teaches that the “no” might instead be the greater expression of our freedom. The kiddush blessing that we recite to welcome Shabbat praises this day as a “reminder of our going out from Egypt.” Only a free people can set a day aside. Only a free person can say no to the work week. A slave cannot refuse to do her taskmaster’s bidding. A free person can say, “Not today! My chores can wait for another day.”

Agam Berger’s example reminds us that no matter how trapped we might feel by work, or the demands of the week, the spirit can always be made to feel free. When we carve out a day and set it apart from the other days of the week we are uplifted. And now she, and her family, can truly enjoy the beauty and wonder of Shabbat. When they gather together for their Shabbat meal and lift the hallah to recite the motzi, they will once again feel their spirits rejuvenated (shavat vayinafash!).

Shabbat’s message is clear. The spirit can never be imprisoned.

The Miracle of Food

The Talmud states: “The task of providing a person’s food is as miraculous as the splitting of the Sea of Reeds.” (Babylonian Talmud, Pesachim 118a)

Perhaps this explains why only three days after walking through the parted sea the Israelites grumbled against Moses. They arrived at Marah and finding insufficient water cried out, “What shall we drink?” (Exodus 15) If a person does not have enough food to eat and water to drink even the recent memory of a miraculous deliverance is not enough to sustain one’s faith.

The Israelites’ complaint and the Talmud’s affirmation remind us that every meal is indeed a miracle. Is this why the rabbis penned the motzi blessing with the words, “who brings forth bread from the earth?” Everyone knows that bread does not emerge from the ground. The wheat is grown and then harvested. It is ground into flour. It is combined with eggs. After the yeast performs its magic, the baker’s loving hands knead the dough and then only after baking in the oven can it be enjoyed.

Bread is the work of many hands. The wheat grows in nourishing soil. It is sustained by the sun and rain. The bread is dependent on the farmer, miller and baker. It is not like the manna that God miraculously provided to the wandering Israelites. There was always enough manna to eat and according to tradition it tasted like every person’s favorite food.

But the rabbis decreed that every meal should be treated like a miracle. Every morsel is deserving of a blessing. They were intent on transforming the ordinary and making the everyday extraordinary. We recite the motzi and take the spiritual posture that God’s hand is decisive. Even though bread is the product of many hands, we bless only God’s.

“God brings forth bread from the earth,” we exclaim. Then again, I wonder if in our spiritual obsession with the Almighty we forget the many hands whose work is so crucial to our meal’s enjoyment. Even if we remember to thank the cook, we forget to offer praises to the farmer. We might do well recalling that the true miracle is not only about God.

The miracle is instead the community of people who manage to wrest bread from the earth.

Let us then offer a chorus of “Amens” to all the hands that make every meal a wondrous miracle.

The Loneliness Plague

What follows is my sermon from Shabbat Bo.

On this Shabbat I offer a meditation about the ninth plague of darkness.

Arbel Yehud, the twenty-nine-year-old who was kidnapped along with her partner, Ariel, from their Kibbutz Nir Oz safe room on October 7th was released by her Hamas captors yesterday. After hugging her parents, brother Neta, and sister-in-law she offered these first words, “I was lonely.” Apparently, she was held alone throughout her 482 days in captivity. She was held hostage in harsh conditions, underground and often denied food. Still, she did not say, “I was hungry,” but “I was lonely.”

I have often wondered why the ninth and second to worst plague is darkness. Why is darkness so terrible and second only to the killing of the first born? The Torah describes it as darkness that can be touched. We read, “Moses held out his arm toward the sky and a thick darkness descended upon all the Egypt for three days. People could not see one another, and for three days no one could move about.” (Exodus 10)

Imagine not being able to see another person. Imagine not being able to touch another human being. Is this the meaning of a darkness that can be touched? People need human contact. It is essential to our being. This is part of what makes the hostages’ fate so devastating. Three days seems unbearably long. For Arbel it was 482 days. And that is unimaginably long. Hamas has succeeded in making such unimaginable pain real. And the fate of the remaining 82 hostages is now our darkness.

Arbel was alone. She sat in the tunnel’s darkness wondering if her partner Ariel was still alive. That question remains unanswered. Did she dream of her grandparents coming to Gaza’s border in 1955 to help found her kibbutz? Did she dream about the stars that she could not see but that so fascinated her curiosity? Did the darkness block out all her dreams? Did it obscure all of nature’s wonders? Now, upon her return, she must contend with the news that her brother Dolev was murdered on October 7th.

Darkness is not so much the absence of light but the absence of others. It is the darkening of our dreams and the obscuring of seeing others. It is the loss of being held by others and holding others. What makes us human is our need to be with others. One need only watch one of these fifteen reunions to understand this truth. The families cannot stop touching and kissing each other. To truly see another person is to see their joys and their pains. To see another person is to watch compassion birthed. We need to carry others. And we need to be carried by others. What makes us human is the ability to share our dreams with others and to unburden our worries to other people.

What makes us Jewish is the blessing of community. It is there that we speak of our dreams. It is there that our worries become less burdensome. Our joys are magnified by community. Our pains are lessened by others. The congregation is the age-old Jewish answer to our present “loneliness epidemic.” When alone our fears tend to darken our dreams. Solitude obscures life’s wonders. That is why we say blessings in community. That is why we thank God for the evening when we gather.

Darkness is about being alone. It is about the absence of dreams. It is about the absence of being held by others.

The hostage prayer that many congregations now regularly offer has become hauntingly present. It was written during medieval times when Crusaders slaughtered Jews and when our fears about being taken hostage were all too common. It reads, “May the Holy One have mercy on them and take them out from narrowness to expanse, and from darkness to light, and from oppression to redemption, now, swiftly, and soon!” From darkness to light! From being alone to being enveloped by family and friends.

The prayer’s very name Acheinu makes clear is overarching message. We are brothers—and sisters. We are bound together. We need to be held. We need to hold others. To be human is to care for others. And it is to be cared for by others. To be Jewish is to always see another person.

The Torah states that when darkness descended on Egypt, “All the Israelites enjoyed light in their dwellings.” What was once a statement of fact has now become our prayer. May all of Israel enjoy light. May every hostage feel the embrace of family and friends. May darkness be forever banished from our midst. May every hostage be reunited with their loved ones. May such a plague never again touch our people.

And may our dreams of peace never become darkened.

Counting to Shabbat Shalom

The first commandment given to individuals is “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and master it.” (Genesis 1) And the first mitzvah given to the Jewish people is “This month shall mark for you the beginning of the months; it shall be the first of the months of the year for you.” (Exodus 12)

To be a Jew is to count time. We are to mark the holidays. This is what makes us free.

The sixteenth century commentator, Obadiah ben Jacob Sforno, expands on the commandment’s meaning and imagines God adding, “From now on these months will be yours, to do with as you like. This is by way of contrast to the years when you were enslaved when you had no control over your time at all. While you were enslaved, your days, hours, minutes, were always at the beck and call of your taskmasters.”

It is a blessing to count the days toward Shabbat. It is a privilege to measure the passage of years by the holidays. And yet how often do we complain about time. We never seem to have enough time to get everything done on our to do lists.

Think of how harried our days feel as we prepare for a vacation. Recall how all-consuming those tasks feel in the weeks prior to our children leaving for sleep away camp. And yet even during these busiest of days, or for that matter the most ordinary of weeks, Shabbat arrives. We then let go.

We break free from these to do lists. We are free. We are blessed. We are fortunate enough to take a day of rest when we look away from work’s claim on our lives. We free ourselves from being slaves to time.

Rabbi Larry Kushner writes:

Now obviously no one can ever complete all the little tasks. Sooner or later, as the vacation departure clock ticks down, we decree arbitrarily that whether or not they are done, we are done. We renounce their claims on us. To do so requires great spiritual self-control. Well, it is like that with the Day of Being too. Every seventh day we clear off our desks. Of course we are not finished. And from the looks of the world, hopefully God isn’t finished either. (The Book of Words)

As Shabbat fades and the sun sets on Saturday evening, we begin our counting toward the next seventh day. We look forward to Shabbat. We will once again mark our freedom from the myriad of unfinished tasks that have their hold on the other six days.

We taste perfection. We embrace the momentary liberation of having no tasks, and the respite from to do lists. We relish in the privilege of shouting blessings to God and offering thanks for our people’s obligations.

We are free.

We continue counting toward the completeness that is embodied in the simplest and most profound of greetings, “Shabbat shalom.”

Magicians and Miracle Workers

“Daam—blood, tzfardeiah—frogs, keeneem—lice, ahrov—wild beasts…” we recite at our Passover seders as we take a drop of wine from our glasses. Curiously, the Egyptian magicians can repeat the first of these wonders and likewise turn water into blood and also bring frogs. (They turn a staff into a snake as well.) The Torah reports, “When the Egyptian magicians did the same with their spells, Pharaoh’s heart stiffened.” (Exodus 7)

When God performs these wonders, they are called miracles. When the magicians do the same, they are termed magic. What is the difference between magic and miracles? A Hasidic comment suggests magic tricks astonish the audience. Miracles, on the other hand, awe even those who perform it. In both instances the water turns red and there were frogs here, frogs there, frogs were jumping everywhere.

Is the difference only a matter of perspective? Is history indeed written by the victors? In the five books of Moses pulling a frog out of a hat is deemed an everyday magic trick and the ten plagues are evidence of God’s miraculous powers. Is that all there is to it? This is our book and our story and so it affirms our biases. The Torah confirms our faith.

Then again, Pharaoh’s magicians cannot remove the frogs. They can only bring more frogs (apparently that is an easy magic trick) And by doing so they make matters worse. By trying to prove their magical powers, they add to the Egyptians’ woes. The magicians were so worried about trying to match God’s miracles that they lose sight of their sacred task. Leaders are meant to assuage people’s anxieties and help lift their burdens.

Difficulties are made more unbearable when leaders worry more about their own power rather than lightening the burdens of those they lead. Magicians focus on wowing the audience and impressing people with their greatness. Too often they make people’s burdens more unbearable. They pull so many things out of their hats that the land becomes flooded with even more problems.

How often are our problems compounded by gossip? How often are our disagreements exacerbated by social media?

Remember this. When magicians hear the audience’s applause they think of their majestic might. They see these cunning tricks as evidence of their prowess. Miracle workers recall they are mere emissaries, and their hands are instruments of an even greater power. They remain forever awed by God’s majesty. They do not praise themselves but instead offer blessings of God.

Everyone has the capacity to be a miracle worker. It’s a matter of remembering who we serve.

Each of us can be servants of the divine.

Between Knowing and Not Knowing

A Hasidic story.

A student approached her rebbe and asked, “How can one tell when a new day has arrived?”

The rebbe turned the question around and said to her student, “Why don’t you tell me how you might know when a new day has arrived.”

At first the student was surprised, but then offered a hesitant answer, “When the rooster crows to signal a new dawn?” (And my seventh graders add, “When Siri tells me it is dawn.”) The rebbe answered, “No.”

“When the sun peers through my window. “No,” the rebbe responded.

“When the sky begins to glow, and I can first discern the silhouettes of the trees against the sky?” The rebbe answered again, “No!”

And then in her wisdom, the rebbe said, “The surest way to know when the night is over and a new day has dawned is when you can look into the face of another person, especially one who is a stranger and one who is different from you and come to know him as your brother and her as your sister.” Until that moment, it will always be night.

The Torah reports: “A new king arose over Egypt who did not know Joseph.” (Exodus 1)

And night descends upon Egypt. Our oppression begins. The distinction between day and night is that thin.

It is that thin line between knowing and not knowing that leads to enslavement. But then God hears our cries. Our sufferings become known to God. The Israelites are freed from slavery. Our Passover celebrations are ensured. The distinction between day and night, however, remains in our hands.

It is found in the face of a stranger.

Peace Is the Greatest Gift

Before dying, Jacob gathers his reunited family together for a final blessing. The Torah adds, “Jacob lived seventeen years in the land of Egypt.” (Genesis 47) And how old was Joseph when his brothers sold him into slavery years earlier? Seventeen.

The commentators notice this symmetry. Jacob enjoyed the same number of years living with his son in Egypt as Joseph did living with his father in Canaan. What are we to make of this symmetry? The years of Joseph’s youth when Jacob showered extra love on him are perfectly balanced by these final seventeen years living by his father Jacob’s bedside.

The tradition adds: “These seventeen years were the best years of Jacob’s life – years of prosperity, goodness and peace; his other 130 years were filled with toil and pain.”

Why were the best years of his life spent in Egypt? How could Jacob enjoy any place but the ideal land of Israel? The commentators suggest that the answer must be that he studied Torah in Egypt and thereby redeemed its pagan influences. I think the answer is far more obvious.

So why was Jacob so happy? In Egypt his family was once again whole. His sons have forgiven each other. Now they each have flourishing families of their own. Jacob can enjoy the comforts his son has amassed. He can relish in the joys of grandchildren. In Egypt he, and his entire family, have discovered a tranquility that eluded them in Canaan.

The lesson is clear. Shalom bayit, peace in the home, is more prized than even the most cherished of locations. It is a blessing that eluded our patriarch Jacob. The majority of his life his family is beset by conflict. Now he has found shalom. And he discovers it no less in Egypt!

Peace between siblings, love between parents and children, is the greatest blessing of all. We need not venture to a sacred destination to discover this blessing. It is always nearby.

May shalom be found in our lives and in our homes.

Don’t Embarrass Others

After years of discord Joseph and his brothers finally make up.

This week the moment arrives when Joseph reveals himself and offers forgiveness. He pushes aside the painful memory of when his brothers almost killed him but instead sell him into slavery. They cast aside the moments and when Joseph bragged to them that their father loved him the most.

Now the brothers stand before Joseph, pleading for their brother Benjamin, but still unaware of Joseph’s identity. They appear to have changed. They are no longer the jealous lot who conspired against him.

Joseph’s emotions overtake him, and he can no longer hold back his tears. He cries out, “Have everyone withdraw from me!” Joseph said to his brothers, “I am your brother Joseph, he whom you sold into Egypt.” (Genesis 45)

The commentators ask why Joseph insisted that only his brothers remain in the room when he reveals himself. Is it because this moment of reconciliation is so intimate that it can only be shared by family? No outsider should witness it. The tradition suggests even more. Joseph does not want to shame his brothers. He is a mensch.

Rabbi Samuel bar Nahman remarks: Joseph placed himself in an extremely precarious position, for if his brothers had killed him, not a single person would have been aware of it. Why did he then say: “Have everyone withdraw from me!”? It is because Joseph said to himself: “I would rather die than shame my brothers before the Egyptians.” (Midrash Tanchuma Vayigash)

The tradition is emphatic about the need to avoid shaming others. Although wrongdoers deserve rebuke, they do not deserve embarrassment. Joseph’s brothers must acknowledge their wrongdoing. They must show that they have changed and that they would no longer harm someone, especially a family member. They do not need to be shamed.

Too often we confuse public shaming with the acknowledgment of wrongdoing. Public officials release press releases apologizing for their wrongs. They are shamed in the press but avoid saying “I’m sorry” to the individuals they have wronged.

Saying “I’m sorry,” however, is best done privately and between the people seeking repair.

Making amends is best kept within the family. It is not about the larger group. It is about the individuals.